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Essay On Death Of A Loved One

It is never easy to contemplate the end-of-life, whether its own our experience or that of a loved one.

This has made a recent swath of beautiful essays a surprise. In different publications over the past few weeks,  I've stumbled upon writers who were  contemplating final days. These are, no doubt, hard stories to read. I had to take breaks as I read about Paul Kalanithi's experience facing metastatic lung cancer while parenting a toddler, and was devastated as I followed Liz Lopatto's contemplations on how to give her ailing cat the best death possible. But I also learned so much from reading these essays, too, about what it means to have a good death versus a difficult endfrom those forced to grapple with the issue. These are four stories that have stood out to me recently, alongside one essay from a few years ago that sticks with me today.

My Own Life | Oliver Sacks

As recently as last month, popular author and neurologist Oliver Sacks was in great health, even swimming a mile every day. Then, everything changed: the 81-year-old was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. In a beautiful op-ed, published in late February in the New York Times, he describes his state of mind and how he'll face his final moments. What I liked about this essay is how Sacks describes how his world view shifts as he sees his time on earth getting shorter, and how he thinks about the value of his time.

Before I go | Paul Kalanithi

Kalanthi began noticing symptoms — "weight loss, fevers, night sweats, unremitting back pain, cough" — during his sixth year of residency as a neurologist at Stanford. A CT scan revealed metastatic lung cancer. Kalanthi writes about his daughter, Cady and how he "probably won't live long enough for her to have a memory of me." Much of his essay focuses on an interesting discussion of time, how it's become a double-edged sword. Each day, he sees his daughter grow older, a joy. But every day is also one that brings him closer to his likely death from cancer.

As I lay dying | Laurie Becklund

Becklund's essay was published posthumonously after her death on February 8 of this year. One of the unique issues she grapples with is how to discuss her terminal diagnosis with others and the challenge of not becoming defined by a disease. "Who would ever sign another book contract with a dying woman?" she writes. "Or remember Laurie Becklund, valedictorian, Fulbright scholar, former Times staff writer who exposed the Salvadoran death squads and helped The Times win a Pulitzer Prize for coverage of the 1992 L.A. riots? More important, and more honest, who would ever again look at me just as Laurie?"

Everything I know about a good death I learned from my cat | Liz Lopatto

Dorothy Parker was Lopatto's cat, a stray adopted from a local vet. And Dorothy Parker, known mostly as Dottie, died peacefullywhen she passed away earlier this month. Lopatto's essay is, in part, about what she learned about end-of-life care for humans from her cat. But perhaps more than that, it's also about the limitations of how much her experience caring for a pet can transfer to caring for another person.

Yes, Lopatto's essay is about a cat rather than a human being. No, it does not make it any easier to read. She describes in searing detail about the experience of caring for another being at the end of life. "Dottie used to weigh almost 20 pounds; she now weighs six," Lopatto writes. "My vet is right about Dottie being close to death, that it’s probably a matter of weeks rather than months."

Letting Go | Atul Gawande

"Letting Go" is a beautiful, difficult true story of death. You know from the very first sentence — "Sara Thomas Monopoli was pregnant with her first child when her doctors learned that she was going to die" — that it is going to be tragic. This story has long been one of my favorite pieces of health care journalism because it grapples so starkly with the difficult realities of end-of-life care.

In the story, Monopoli is diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, a surprise for a non-smoking young woman. It's a devastating death sentence: doctors know that lung cancer that advanced is terminal. Gawande knew this too — Monpoli was his patient. But actually discussing this fact with a young patient with a newborn baby seemed impossible.

"Having any sort of discussion where you begin to say, 'look you probably only have a few months to live. How do we make the best of that time without giving up on the options that you have?' That was a conversation I wasn't ready to have," Gawande recounts of the case in a new Frontline documentary.

What's tragic about Monopoli's case was, of course, her death at an early age, in her 30s. But the tragedy that Gawande hones in on — the type of tragedy we talk about much less — is how terribly Monopoli's last days played out.

Last year we published an essay by Holly Kellner titled, “Why Having Conversations or Writing College Essays On Your Story of Loss Is Okay.” Since then we’ve gotten emails asking for tips on how to write your college essay on your loss or asking for comments/edits on drafts themselves.

While we’re happy to help edit as many college essay drafts as we possibly can, we also want to make sure that all the information you need is in one place. Over the next few weeks we’ll be publishing content that’s directly related to the college application process — including the essay, financial aid and any other resources that will help make this process easier.

For starters here are some tips to keep in mind when working on your first outline or draft for your college essay:

Stay True To Your Story

The biggest advantage at your disposal when writing an essay about your loss is that you’re the only one who has ever experienced your specific kind of loss. (Trust me: this is an advantage) Even if you have siblings who all lost the same parent or sibling, you’re the only one who has lost your specific relationship. Stay true to how the loss impacted you.

Always Go Back To You

You want to make sure that you’re telling the story of who you are, this is what admissions officers want to read. Think of it this way, you’re encouraging someone to read an essay that’s told through the lens of a loss but that looks directly at who you are because of it.

Be Detailed

Instead of speaking in generalizations about what grief or loss mean to you, tell us specific stories about how what you’ve experienced is specific to you.

The Bad Days Count Too

Not all stories of loss or grief go back to incredible epiphanies. Not all stories of loss or grief are uphill stories either. Lots of experiences go back to hitting a specific kind of rock bottom and building your way back from that. Your stories are hard and real, don’t be afraid to show the imperfect pieces too, they add character to your story.

Don’t Be Ashamed 

Don’t let anyone tell you that this is a cliche essay topic to write about. It’s not. It’s 100% not. Your story of loss is unique and probably the most life changing thing you’ve experienced. It’s helped turn you into the person you are today and it’s a story worth telling.

If you have any questions regarding the college essay writing process, feel free to email us at write@toodamnyoung.com (Subject: College Essay) or tweet us your questions, @2DamnYoung.

If you have any other tips you’d like to add, comment down below!

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